Honorable mentions: Gay-listers, gay news websites (don't look at these, they all suck), Golden Girls, girl singers, Grey Gardens, gossiping, Gossip Girl, gag reflex (I fuckin' hate that thing).ĪIDS is sad and scary and the worst and you're going to be thinking about it ALL THE FUCKING TIME because you're going to become insanely paranoid about it. (I really, really hope it's those 3D hologram video calls, like in Star Wars.)
#Fat gay bear porn daddy how to
You wanna know how horny gays are? Log on now… See, there are THOUSANDS, literally THOUSANDS of men trying to bone you. Yes, we all hate it, but that muffled atonal ding that announces new messages is officially the new gay mating call, at least until the next technology comes along and we figure out how to make it sexy. Now though, this has all moved onto the phone. Gays have always cruised on the street, at bathhouses, at porn stores, in public toilets, and in the steam rooms of the finer exercise establishments around the world. While breeders are using their smartphones to play MS Paint Pictionary with each other (fun!), gays are using it to get instant contact with any horny homo within 100 miles. Homosexuals have never met a technology that they couldn't somehow adapt to get themselves laid. Honorable mentions: Female rappers, fag hags, fat girls as best friends, feeling bad for straight guys because they have to live with straight girls and those bitches are craaaaazy. $800 says that everyone who's ever been on the moon is a homophobe-which means we can't have that either. Think about it there are so many places where gays are viewed with about as much affection as a shit on a pillowcase: The Middle East, Africa, 50 percent of Europe, a whole bunch of America, 99 percent of South America, 80 percent of Asia. Honorable mentions: Dennis Cooper, daddies, drag queens, drunk texts, Paris Hilton's "Drunk Text," divas. Ecstasy and pot and acid and K are OK, I guess, but can everyone promise to stop messing with meth? And mephedrone or whatever that new shit is that even old men are doing now. Back in the day, queens would fuck themselves up on it and then go to shitty parties with shitty music and pop a bunch of Viagra and have a ton of unsafe sex and get HIV. Honorable mentions: Chubs, choking, Cabaret, celebrity gossip, Courtney Love, crying, Cyndi Lauper, chick flicks. They get three years to be totally 100 percent OK with it (five, if they're old), after that, they're X'ed. PPS: If your parents are assholes and refuse to accept you, fuck 'em.
Unless you live in Saudi Arabia or some shit.
So bust down those doors or come to terms with becoming Jeffrey Dahmer Reloaded. I know, at times, it can be kind of exciting to have a big secret you're hiding from everyone (like you're Alex Mack or Batman), but every day a gay man spends in the closet makes him a little bit crazier. Still, the main thing about coming out is that it's probably best to ACTUALLY DO IT. Honorable mentions: Bears, brunch, Broadway, Butt Magazine, Billy Eichner,"bisexuals," bisexuals, Bret Easton Ellis, bigots. No matter where you go, you're gonna be hearing the same remix of "We Found Love" four times in an hour. You'd think that there'd be a gay bar out there that would cater to you, what with all the bear bars, the daddy bars, the punk gay bars, the sissy-bounce gay bars, the Mexican cowboy gay bars, the square-dancing gay bars, and the gay bars for people with ginger hair fetishes (these are all real gay bars I've been to, BTW). But if you want to have sex even a little bit, you're going to have to take part in it eventually. But in this case, that "rabbit" is "poop."īeing So Bored in Gay Clubs That You Just Watch the Video Wall All Night Sure, it's gonna hurt the first few times, but fuck it, get your boy to stick it in your lil' bum and cum, cum, and cum again! It's great! One warning though, if you go down the rabbit hole enough times, eventually you're going to find a rabbit. If any of that 15 percent are reading this, YOU SHOULD TRY IT! Until you've had your bell rung from the inside, you haven't rung your bell at all. Apparently 15 percent of gay guys don't ever do anal sex.